Monthly Archives: August 2012

In which the human lizard reflects on living alone

I love living on my own and I really wouldn’t have it any other way right now. However, living alone has its downsides, and here are a few of them.

1. It is always your turn to do the washing up.
I hate washing up and I hate that it’s always my damn turn. (Admitedly my ex only did the washing up about once a year but at least then I got thanked for doing it.) Living alone does provide a couple of positives when it comes to washing up though: the supply of pans, mugs, cutlery, etc, lasts longer than if you had a roommate and, more importantly, there is no one around to see if (when) the dirty plates start to grow mould.

2. Cooking for one feels like a chore.
I quite like cooking when it’s to have a few people round for dinner but there is something a bit depressing about cooking for one. And really, who can be bothered to cook themselves a healthy and nutritious meal every night? I know that most people don’t eat with their housemates but at least you’ve got someone around to pass judgement when your dinner consists of a garlic baguette with a slice of cheese, or when you have pancakes for three meals in a day. You probably don’t realise it but your flatties are doing your waistline a favour just by being there.

picture of a kitten being cute

I was going to put a picture of a spider here, but who wants to see that?

3. There is no one else to deal with spiders.
I wouldn’t say that I have a fear of spiders but I really don’t like having to catch and remove them from my flat. I generally try to avoid dealing with them – if there’s a spider on the bathroom ceiling for instance, I’d rather leave him there and just keep a very close eye on him when I’m the shower.

Sometimes, however, spiders have to be dealt with. A couple of months ago I was about to start the washing up when I saw that there was a massive spider in the sink – you know, one of those fat-bodied, long-legged, generally hideous ones. I was really quite freaked out by him so imagine my distress when I saw that the bastard had an equally large friend.

I started to panic a bit at this point – how could I possibly capture one spider without running the risk of the other spider CRAWLING ON MY HAND. At that moment my mobile beeped for a text and my only thought was, please let that be someone I can immediately phone back because I am getting hysterical. Happily, it was so I rang my friend up, completely ignored whatever it was she had text about and got her caught up on the kitchen invasion situation. An expert in crisis management, she calmed me down and came up with a simple but effective solution: put the phone on speaker and she’d then talk me through the spider removal process. After a few minutes of very girly squealing from me and supportive words from the phone, it was all over.

Does the fact that I got safely through this traumatic experience mean that I’ll be less of a mess next time I’m faced with an inconvenient spider? No, it just makes me want to get a girlfriend/cat* who will deal with these things for me.

4. There’s no one around to do your bidding.
You know when you really want a cup of tea but you just can’t be bothered to get up, or when you really need some chocolate but you’re just way too lazy to go to the shop? When faced with these situations I find myself thinking that if there was anyone else around I could totally wear them down with constant requests until they got me what I wanted.

5. It is entirely possible to go 24 hours (if not a whole weekend) without speaking to another human.
Sometimes I find that I talk to myself instead, or to Stanley the moose (he’s not an imaginary moose or anything, just a soft toy. And he doesn’t talk back yet so I think we’re ok).

* Do cats work on spiders? I guess I’m thinking about mice. Haven’t had to deal with mice while living alone. So there’s something to look forward to. 

Living alone
Players: 1
Ages: 26+
Vaguely interesting fact: Stan the moose is named after Stanley Park in Vancouver.
Verdict: In spite of these issues, living alone is actually kind of awesome. I should probably write about why at some point. That post will have less about spiders.